There’s a saying, ‘Our experiences make us who we are.’
In fact, out of these experiences, the most important are those which we gather during the first 16-17 years of our lives. This is when we live at home with our parents. And through our interactions with our mother, father, grandparents, aunts and uncles, we learn how to behave, what to believe, etc. These experiences truly form the bedrock of our character which comes in handy in our future life.
But things are changing, and unfortunately, not for the good!
I meet many parents and children regularly. I observe their interactions with each other, the child’s body language, the parents’ responses and the chemistry between them. I can tell you one thing: in today’s society, the relationship between parents and their children is slowly deteriorating.
Let me share with you five ways in which I believe the parent-children relationship is going wrong.
1. Lack of time
Our first teachers during our character-forming years are our parents. But these days, most parents are working, so children get to spend very little quality time with them. Even when the father goes to work, the mother remains busy with her housework! Thanks to the nuclear family concept, nowadays even grandparents live separately, so they too spend very little time with their grandchildren.
Lack of time is the single largest reason which denies the children their main source of learning values and behaviour. This results in the children not knowing how to behave in different situations. They get rowdy and stubborn. Quite often these are just ways to seek their parents’ attention.
2. Lack of family interactions
When I was a child, we used to meet our relatives regularly, spending time with our cousins, aunts and uncles. Thanks to everyone’s busy schedules today, nobody has time to meet up anymore. After work, parents are usually too exhausted to visit friends and relatives. Hence, the children grow up without knowing how to behave in a social setting.
Children no longer call to wish their relative a happy birthday. Touching the feet of elders is a forgotten custom, as is visiting the temple. ‘Bhagwan toh mann mein hota hai, mann mein puja kar liya toh ho gaya’ is the logic given.
3. Tech – the double-edged sword
Today, technology and its interconnectedness is a boon. It proved its worth especially during the pandemic, when businesses had to go online. Even schools went online and offered and helped students to continue their studies.
However, this same technology has also become a curse. Parents nowadays hand their children the smartphone, and the kids spend hours with their noses pressed against the screen. From morning till night, games, social networks and YouTube videos keep them glued to the screens. This has led to a massive drop in attention span in kids. They are getting irritated very easily, and have developed a better connect with the device rather than with their parents!
Moreover, smartphones, tablets and smart TVs are ‘dumb’ devices. They don’t have a mind of their own—they only show us what we tell them to. Because of this, the cognitive abilities of the children are getting stunted. Then it leads to the inevitable comparison: ‘Sharmaji ka beta ko 98% aaya, tumhe kitna mila?’ The kids get irritated further, and this reveals itself as complaints to friends and others like me.
It is easy to blame the education system for our children’s lack of intellectual growth. But part of the blame lies on the parents too! Because they are allowing their kids to get addicted to their phones!
4. Bad habits go unchecked
Because the kids are already irritated with their parents, a lot of the time they do the wrong things just to rebel. Often, they fall in with the wrong company which leads to picking up cigarettes and alcohol. The problem lies not in the fact that the children get influenced by the rotten apple, but the fact that it is the lack of connection with their parents which leads them to the rotten apple in the first place!
Another direct result of the parents’ lack of time is incorrect nutrition. Since there is nobody around to guide them, children these days get addicted to fast food or unhealthy junk foods. These cause abnormal hormonal changes in their behaviour resulting in them getting irritated quickly.
5. The guilt factor
I see this in parents a lot. Because of their lack of time and connect, a lot of parents feel guilty, and consequently, they indulge their children’s every whim. The exorbitantly-priced Xbox? Sure! Regularly going to expensive hangouts? Okay! A costly toy? Of course! Parents give their kids whatever they demand. As a result, today’s children no longer understand the value of ‘earing’ something.
The parent’s guilt manifests itself in other ways too. Many parents want to send their children to the best school, simply because they themselves didn’t have that growing up. Nowadays, money isn’t the issue, but prestige is. ‘It’s not about making money. It’s about making a new generation!’ That logic is sound, but the real intention is not to raise the children with the best values of our culture, but rather to acquire a social status.
The effect on the children is insidious. They get the good things in life easily, so they refuse to work hard, to push themselves. The focus turns towards their failures, rather than the perseverance to not fail again.
So what’s the solution?
The most important thing is for parents to build a strong bond with the children. Here are few ways in which this can be done.
Gadget-Free hour
Everyone should definitely do this—be free from technology for a while. I like to call it ‘gadget-free hour’. Every day, parents should spend atleast 45 minutes to an hour with their children, when everyone stays away from all kinds of gadgets—phones, tablets, laptops, TVs. Speak about what you did during the day, share some memories from your childhood, maybe tell some folk tales that impart values. The children may rebel initially, but slowly, they will come to cherish these hours.
Partner, don’t parent
Don’t parent your children, be a partner to them. Parents should treat their children as friends, and involve them in their own day-to-day life as much as possible. Children pick up cues very easily from their parents, and they learn a lot in this manner. Studies have shown that treating the child as a responsible person rather than a kid helps them become responsible, attentive and independent.
Be authoritative, not authoritarian
Most of the time, a child’s ill-behaviour or tantrums are actually pleas for attention. Instead of shouting at them or snapping at them to shut up, parents should try to understand and address the core problem. Then set holistic consequences of ill-behaviour, like restricting playtime, rather than slapping them. When the child is being stubborn about wanting something, don’t buy it for them immediately. Let them understand the importance of denial. This sort of authoritative parenting will make the child understand the right and healthy way to approach their own problems, instead of resorting to bad behaviour.
Have you faced any of these issues? Or as a parent, do you have some more miracle tricks that can help other parents? Do share them with me. Remember, you are not just raising a child; you are raising tomorrow’s citizens. The faster you realise this, the better will be for all of us!
